


It's Fun To Laugh When You're Sad

by Meghann985



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Angst, Ben Hargreeves Deserves Better, Ben Hargreeves Needs A Hug, Blood, Canon-Typical Violence, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Reginald Hargreeves' A+ Parenting, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, the horror
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-21
Updated: 2020-10-18
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:08:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23251474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Meghann985/pseuds/Meghann985
Summary: Ben has been struggling with his self esteem for as long as he can remember. He hates his powers and would do anything to get rid of them.This story follows Ben from the age of seven up until his death.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 34





	1. Ben, age 7/8

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: SELF HARM, SUICIDAL THOUGHTS, CHILDHOOD TRAUMA  
> Please don't read if any of these things could trigger you.
> 
> This was originally going to be a story about Klaus but then I had an idea for Ben and had to go with it.  
> Title is from Psychotic Kids by YUNGBLUD.

Ben didn’t remember what it felt like to be happy with who he was. Ever since he first discovered his powers, he felt vaguely sick at the thought of them, a feeling which only intensified as he got older. He was the only one in the family (apart from Klaus) who didn’t have the option of turning his powers off, and he despised that. It wasn’t fair, and it led to him hating himself so overwhelmingly that he’d have done anything to get rid of them. The feeling of the tentacles moving in his stomach made his skin crawl. 

One of Ben’s earliest memories of getting into serious trouble with his father was when he was seven or eight. They’d been training for days with very little time to eat or sleep, which had taken a toll on all of them. Luther and Diego were at each other’s throats, Allison was being even more vain than usual, Klaus was waking up screaming every hour or so, Five was being an asshole and Vanya had been feeling lonelier than ever. Ben was expected to hold things together. As usual. No one seemed to notice the way his eyes glistened with tears or the way his nails were being dragged along his forearms. 

That night, Mom found him passed out, the Horror laying around him like a demonic halo. There was a pair of kitchen scissors beside him and more blood than seemed possible from such a small body. The long tentacles were covered in deep gashes. They flopped around pathetically, some of those who had gotten away relatively unscathed attempting to hurt Ben the way he had hurt them. Some of the thinner parts had been almost completely severed from Ben’s body, as if someone had tried to cut them off. 

That was exactly what Ben had tried to do. 

Mom patched him up as best she could, although the Horror was terribly unhappy with Ben. What had always been a small whisper in the back of his mind grew into a shout, wailing constantly about pain and suffering. Ben knew exactly what that felt like. Sometimes, if Ben didn’t focus on keeping the creature in the depths of his abdomen, it would burst forth into the world and tear at his skin, pulling and ripping, as if to make Ben sorry for what he had done to them. It worked. 

His father certainly helped to make him sorry. He’d upped his individual training to once a day as soon as Ben was somewhat physically healthy again, forcing him to summon the being from his stomach into life and tear dummies to pieces. Ben despised it, hated how much the Horror seemed to love the destruction of people and hated how little he could do to stop it. The Horror controlled him, no matter how much he tried to deny it. 

One day, towards the end of his punishment, Reginald dragged in a middle-aged man. He was emaciated and weak, unable to take his own weight for more than a few minutes. He sported cuts and bruises all over his body, obviously tokens from a training session with Luther and Diego, and the glassed-over look in his eyes was probably courtesy of Allison. Klaus and Five had probably had a turn as well, but the wounds they left were less obvious. Ben stared up at his father pleadingly, silently begging for a reprieve. It was no use however, and the next words out of Reginald’s mouth made his blood run cold. 

“Kill him Number Six, finish what your siblings started,” 

Ben closed his eyes, unable to look at the man, who had tears running down his face and was pleading wordlessly. He felt the Horror stir, before emerging from his abdomen. It hesitated slightly, unsure of who to attack, before settling on the man before him. 

The man was torn apart, limb from limb. Small parts of him were scattered around the room, and blood was splashed all over the walls and floor, the only remnants of the man who had been kneeling before him. A man who had probably had a family, or a dog, or someone else who relied on him. A man who could have been anyone, done anything, but now didn't have that opportunity. 

Ben felt sick and guilty. He ran out of the room and went straight to the bathroom, where he vomited up the little food that he had in his stomach. Visions of the man kept flashing before his eyes, sobbing and writhing in pain and terror. Ben screamed and slipped to the floor, his hands bunching in his hair. He started smashing his head into the side of the ceramic bathtub. He deserved to feel the same pain that the man felt. Why should he get to live, perfectly fine, when the human being he had just killed didn't? Who gave him that right? He heard the door open and a few people rush in, shouting and gasping, before everything went black and Ben slipped into the comforting arms of unconsciousness.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben wakes up in the infirmary after the night before and is comforted by Diego and Grace.
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING  
> Self Harm (although not particularly graphic)  
> Suicidal Thoughts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all! I'm so sorry it's taken so long to update. I hope this chapter is okay for everyone! I have (some) good news though; I'm (almost) six months clean of self harm and hopefully i will be able to update this fic and some of my others more often!
> 
> Also, i'm not too happy with how i've written Diego's stutter. I read that they are usually in a pattern and in the show i remember him struggling with R's and M's. I've added in B's just because i can, but if anyone can let me know how i can make it more accurate please let me know!
> 
> Klaus should hopefully show up in the next chapter.

When he woke up again, he was in the infirmary, alone with his thoughts. His head throbbed, a painful reminder of the night before. Images of the man ran before his eyes, taunting him with the evil thing he had done. He pulled his legs up to his chest and rocked slightly, tears starting to drip down his face. God, he hated himself. How could anyone care about him? Love him, even? They should have let him die when they had the chance. He was sure they (and he) would have been happier.

After a while, he heard the door to the infirmary open. He glanced up and quickly hid his face again when he saw Diego. He didn’t want to see any of his siblings, didn’t want them to know how evil he was for killing someone innocent, or how pathetic he was for hurting himself. They didn’t deserve that. 

“B-Ben? Are you alright?”

Why did Diego have to come and see him? Why didn’t he just leave him to rot like he deserved? Ben didn’t answer his brother. Instead, he let out a soft sob. 

Diego walked towards him slowly, as if scared he would break like a porcelain doll. He sat on the edge of the bed gingerly and pulled Ben into his arms. 

“I’m sorry, Diego, I’m so sorry,” Ben cried into Diego’s chest. Diego brushed his fingers through Ben’s soft black hair. It felt nice, Ben realised, to have someone that cared about him. Of course, he know in theory that his family (excluding Dad) loved him, but it helped when they were allowed to show it physically, something that Reginald had explicitly banned in the family as he felt it made them “weak”.

“B-ben? You know that we love you, r-right? And that we would be lost without you?” Diego muttered into his brother’s hair, tears beginning to well up in his eyes.

“You would all be better off without me. I killed someone Diego! Someone innocent! I deserve to rot. You all should have left me to die when you had the chance!” Ben screamed, hands scratching at his arms and legs. He hated himself more than ever in that moment, and he wished that he had one of Diego’s knives with him. He would need to steal one as soon as he got out of the infirmary. He could still hear wailing in the background, and he realised that it was him. He could see Mom coming over, a look of concern on her face. 

“Ben, dear, can you hear me? I need you to calm down. Can you do that for me sweetheart?”

Ben nodded slowly, trying to get his vocal cords back under control. The screaming quietened, eventually becoming whimpers. Mom smiled comfortingly at him. 

“Good boy, Ben. I’m so proud of you!” She said in her soft, soothing voice. “Diego, love, can you go and get Ben a glass of water for me?”

“Sure, M-mom.”  
Diego got up and left the room. Ben missed the feeling of comfort his touch provided him and could already begin to feel the pool of anxiety in his stomach building. His breathing began to quicken again, but Mom noticed and laid a hand comfortingly on his knee.

“Sweetheart, can you tell me what happened? I promise I won’t be angry,”

Ben shook his head and hid his face in his knees. He knew she would have to tell Dad, and he knew that the punishment would be awful.

“Dear, I really think that- “

“I want Klaus,” Ben interrupted, lifting his head and looking her in the eye for the first time since she’d entered the room, “Please. I need to see Klaus.”

“Okay Ben. I’ll see what I can do,” she said, then she smiled sweetly at him, got up and walked out of the room, passing Diego, who had returned with a water bottle and two chocolate chip cookies.

“Hey b-bro. I brought you your water and a cookie. Mom baked them earlier, they’re still warm inside. I thought you m-might want one, you must be hungry,” Diego said haltingly, giving Ben a small smile. 

He smiled back a little, although it faded quickly. 

“Thank you,”

They ate their cookies without speaking, the only sound in the room being the air conditioning and the crunching of cookies. After five minutes or so, the door opened, and Mom poked her head in again. 

“Klaus is in individual training right now but after he’s done I’ll send him up to see you, okay honey?”

Ben sighed. He was the only sibling who knew what Klaus’ individual training entailed, and he hated seeing how much Klaus suffered afterwards. He couldn’t say anything though, Klaus didn’t want anyone else knowing what he went through on a weekly basis.

He plastered on a weak grin. “Okay Mom.”


End file.
